मेरी आमा

जब गड्याङ्ग्गुडुङ्ग  गर्जन्छ मेघ

 वर्षामा पानीका थोपाहरु चुम्छन् भुमिलाई

 उनी चियाउँछिन झ्यालबाट, अनि टोलाउँछिन

एकिछन् मलिन फेरी हँसिलोमुहार

 आँखा भरी टिलपिल्ल आँसु

 हावाको वेगले पल्टायो होला अतितका सम्झना

केहि  तीता, केहि मीठा

यादहरु जुन मुटूको पोकोमा गाठोँ परेका थिए

फुक्यो होला गाठो, छचल्कियो होला |

 पानीको तरंगजस्तै उनको निधार खुिम्चन्छ

निधारको धर्काहरुमा देखिन्छ जीवनको झलक

लाग्छ उनको अनुहार एक ऐना हो जीवनको

आँखाका नानीहरु हुन् पदॅा स्मरणको

 दागले सजिएका ती हातहरु जसले जीवनको वेग थामेथ्यो

 खाल्टै खाल्टो परेको गोरेटोमा घिच्याउँदै, तान्दै सकिनसकी

जीवनको रथ डोराएथ्यो

आजपनि उत्तिकै कोमल झनै, मुलायम

ओठले कति गुहार पुकार्यो होला

अनि जवाफमा

केवल सुनसान उत्तर ति कानमा गुन्जिय होलान

वायूमा खुस्बु हराए जस्तै हराएको उनको रोदन

आँसु को नदीले सिंचिएको  त्यो गाला को छाला

अझै पनि सुरिलो बोलि फुटाऊँछ

फुटेका ओठ बाट मुस्कान लहरऊँछ

सयौं ठक्कर खाएर पनी त्यो मस्तिष्कमा अझै छ नैतिकता को कथा

दुखका बादल लाई तिमीले

खुसीका चट्यांगले  फुटायौ

तिमीले मलाई हाँस्न  सिकायौ, बाँच्न सिकायौ

म त केबल तिम्रो गुण को भक्छ्यक

मेरो हरेक पाइला मा हुनेछ प्रेरणा तिम्रो

हरेक सास मा हुनेछ बिश्वाश  तिम्रो

मा हिड्दा हिड्दै लड्ने छु

तर तिम्रो साहसले म उठ्नेछु, अगि बढ्नेछु

यो संसार को पाठ पढाउने तिमीलाई सलाम छ मेरो मेरी आमा |

Leuven Diaries

                                        

When I am overwhelmed with self induces tragedies, overthinking and a loss of sense, I try to reach out to one thing- rain. Of course, I am not that lucky every time and rain isn’t something that would arrive from my phone call (who would anyway?). I wish it did though. My obvious reaction in such situations is to wrap my thoughts up and save it somewhere in my mind. After that, I get hooked up with my phone, laptop, social media, just about anything. My ideal self would prefer to read instead. You know, the classics that I always wanted to read. Even if just for the sake of adding them to my “finished reading” list. But it’s hard to be your ideal self when you’re desperate and not happy. At least it is for me and I can tell for sure that many people feel the same. It’s a different thing that some won’t admit. Just because someone doesn’t admit doesn’t mean that it isn’t the truth. I wish it would be though. I wouldn’t admit that my life is fragile and could end anytime, anywhere. I wouldn’t admit that no matter how fast I tried running from my life, reality would slam me back anytime. I wouldn’t admit that all my achievements, senses and the things that I care about would make absolutely no sense once life finds its way to not live anymore.

Turning back to the point, when it’s raining, I try unwinding more often than not. I let my skin feel the droplets of rain and walk around. I try opening the boxes of my mind and let go. I hope that rain reaches my soul and purifies it, washing away all those petrified depressed thoughts. Some get left out, only to torture me afterwards. For a time being, I hope time stays still. I could live all my life feeling the same way. And for some reason, the rain just doesn’t feel the same. Maybe there was something different about that place. Is it the times I spent there that makes me so nostalgic about that place? Might be, but why would time be any different here? I presume it’s because of the memories, people and sense of belonging that I have attached to the place. Still, I try to convince myself that it is rain, peaceful and soothing. Wherever I am…

भविष्यको संकल्प

इतिहासलाई अंगाल्न खोज्दा,

छिया छिया भएर घाउहरु बनेका छन्

अतृप्त, अधुरो मेरो मन,

भक्कानो छोडेर रुदैं छ

प्रेमिकाको यादमा मसानघाट गएको प्रेमीझैँ |

एकादेशको कथा जस्तै -समयको कोखमा हराएका मेरा सपनाहरु,

मेरा आँखा अगाडी आइदिंदा,

मेरो जीवनको भोगाइ, रोजाई र अस्तित्वको

संक्षिप्त र बृस्तृत बयानको लागि केवल एक शब्द मा पाउछु - पश्चाताप |

साना साना समुन्द्री छालहरुले किनारमा चप्ल्यक चुप्लुक गर्दा,

संगै ल्याएका छन् हजारौ यादहरु

ती यादहरुले मलाई म स्वयम् सामु उभ्याई दिएका छन्

त्यो म - जसलाई मैले समाएको खल्तीमा लुकाउन खोजेको थिएँ - सात समुन्द्र पारी |

सपना, इच्छा र अकंक्श्यले भरिपुर्ण

मेरो विगत संग आँखा जुधाउन असफल म,

कम्जोर भएको छु, मेरो गोडा लगलग काँमेका छन् |

असिमित सम्भावनाहरुलाई उपयोग गर्न नसक्दा

अँधेरी रातमा बाटो बिराएको कुकुरजस्तै

बाध्यताको खोल ओढेर म आएको थिएँ विदेश,

अन्न्याये, भ्रस्टाचार र गरीबीले च्यापिएको देश छाडी |

तापनि

म ठुला स्वरमा चिच्यायिरहें, कराईरहें

       “मेरो देश प्राण भन्दा प्यारो छ|”

संबिधान र कानुनका धारा बगिरहे,

देश रोइरह्यो

म टुलुटुलु हेरिरहें |

प्रश्नवाचक चिन्हले घेरिरहंदा

मेरा हरेक गल्तिहरुको, मैले बिराएका बाटोहरुको,

फुकाएका महत्वपुर्ण गाँठाहरुको,

स्वीकार स्वरुप

मेरो उतर -

        नीरवता .

म भविष्य तर्फ़ आँखा डुलाउँछु,  

अन्धकारमय भविष्यको

म डरलाग्दो आभाष पाऊछु

त्यही भविष्यमा म पनि छु होला - कतै

पश्चातापको पोखरी म तैरिंदै |

म भक्कानो छोड्छु,

तर म झल्यास्स ब्युँझेर सम्हाल्छु आफुलाई

हात हेर्नेले भबिस्य देख्दैनन, हात खटाउने ले देख्छन .

भुकम्पका अश्लिलताले भत्काएका भग्नाबशेषमा,

कतै छन् - मेरो र मेरो देशको सपना |

आफ्ना बाँकी उपाएहरु हेर्दा

केवल एक मात्र पाएँ, तर म दु:खी भईन |

तसैले आज

इतिहासलाई साक्क्षी राखेर म वर्तमानसंग उपहार माग्छु

एउटा गुँरास, भबिष्यको लागि

आनि केहि कर्मनिष्ठ हातहरु |

त्यो जगमा बसेर

म गर्दछु संकल्प भविष्यको

आफु र आफ्नो देशमा परिवर्तन ल्याउने |

I miss you

I sensed a drop on my cheeks, suddenly they were wet

I looked at the sky

Yes, it was cloudy and gloomy

But it wasn’t raining

I couldn’t believe myself that I was crying, but I was

I turned around to my right side

Small, cute kids were playing in the park

The bench next to that grassy ground

Was where we had our first date

I had noticed something weird below your ears

As I tried to wipe it off, I realised it was a mole

Beautifully adhered to your rosy cheeks

Even the moon has spots, I thought

But those spots diminished the moon’s beauty

Yours were like icy toppings in a cake

Our last date was in café to my left of where I stand

I had just cut my hair, it looked terrible

You didn’t care about it

Your eyes were too beautiful to look at me and say

     “You look horrible.”

You loved me like a child loves chocolate

It doesn’t matter if the pieces aren’t perfectly squared, arranged neatly and

       equally spaced

For a child, a chocolate is a chocolate

You looked me in the same way

We were in love, we would spend the rest of our lives together

It was the truth I never agreed upon

I left you,I ignored your broken heart

On the 27 May, it was your birthday

You didn’t invite me- I had broken you

But there was a truth we both knew

That you would wait the whole day

To see me arriving at the door, uncalled and unexpected

We both knew that nothing else mattered to you, but my birthday wish, only mine

But there was one more truth we knew

My ego was way big for that to happen

So you kept waiting for my call or even a text. Just two words, “Happy birthday”

Knowing that my call would make your day

I chose not to

Moments later, (00:01 28^th May) the phone displayed

You broke down- once again

You cried the whole day, broken

Wondering we never had moments of farewell

Our fare was never meant to be well, we were meant to be together

I simply didn’t agree

I was definitely wrong to leave you

And now I am all alone, and lonely

I don’t believe you will forgive me

Or even the fact that I deserve you

But I wish the best for you…

Horizons and Beyond

I can’t see the horizon

It lies beyond these concrete walls seen from my window

I look at the sky and the clouds

The pigeons that are flying by

The baby in the streets that’s smiling

I sense the air, soft and clear and I get inspired

So I sit down on the table, open up my pen and notebook

I start writing, pages after pages,

Then I tear them down

I think they’re ridiculously written

The notebook gets thinner and the pile of torn pages gets thicker

But I haven’t written anything

Again looking at the window I see,

The flowers in the vase that has begun to fade and wither

That’s enough to inspire me

Again, I can’t write anything

The doors are getting knocked,

The phone is ringing,

The bills are lying on the table

I could pickup the phone and go to the restaurant

Pay the bills with the money, and fill my pocket

But it doesn’t feel right

So I have to write and I can’t

I could go and get drunken

With the friends that are shouting at the door

But I look at the bills, I can’t afford to go

I must write, still, I can’t write

I look at the invitation I got

For the writing workshop and training

But I didn’t go

Because the bottom of the letter quote

Entry fee €100

I again look at the window

And start pouring my heart out

I don’t edit it, I smile and cry through the words

The phone keeps on ringing

The door keeps on knocking

But I just write…

This is not actually my own creation but I have put a considerable effort to give it my style. I found this in my computer as I was browsing the documents. It was written by one of the awesome person I’ve met. His name is Jeevan Pahari. He wrote this couple of years ago and it is really good.

How ten hours taught me to live

                           Now I’ve to say, life is precious, life is full of colours. This definition comes to everyone but it’s just the matter of time and the events that they pass through in their life. In other words, we listen or read to these visions of life everyday but we fail to really understand what it means. But most of the time, a certain event gives us a chance to reflect on ourselves. Life hasn’t always been good to me, but neither it has been to everyone. I now see life in different prospects. It’s just not about being happy , It’s about being sad also, It’s about losing them, It’s about walking miles of distance because you don’t have money in your pocket. It’s about losing the one you loved for long time and you can do nothing about it.  It’s about walking in rain, listening to music, falling in love, rising in life. But above all it’s about living everyday as a whole new day I came to realise these facts being locked in a room for ten hours.

                My family was going to a vacation trip to Illam and I was supposed to live at my friends till then. In morning my small brother accidently locked my room when I was in a deep sleep. Let’s say it was start of this awesome story. Life is shit sometimes and that moment was shot for me. I woke up and after I did my duty in the bathroom attached to my room, I decided to have some tea. I went towards the door and tried to open it. It didn’t open. I tried some more times but unfortunately, I couldn’t. I realised that the only way it could be open, was from outside. I started to be restless and tried to bang the door. I started to shout badly and as loud as I could but there was no one to hear my voice and come for my help. My mobile had no balance to call or text and I had no internet access. My friends wouldn’t come by unless I called them. To make things worse, my phone’s battery died and the charger was in another room. I was very hungry because from early morning I had ate nothing. Fortunately, I had some water. I was weak now and very confined. The first thing I remembered my pizza that memory of sausage pizza and a soft drink made my tongue go around my dry lips. The scariest part about the incident wasn’t the fact that I was locked. It was the thought that I would be locked for several days and I could literally die if nobody would come to help me.

 I can now say that I was a bad ass back then, I was a proud boy and had a beautiful girl who loved me unconditionally but I never understood what love is. When I started to realise that I don’t have my parents by my side, who loved me more than anything in this world. I started to remember the moments when my father carried me to the hospital in his back because no vehicle ran as it was a strike day, I started to remember my mother who would never eat enough with a wish that I would eat as much food as I wanted. I started to miss my girlfriend who would never leave my hand but whom I had always hurt for very small reasons that don’t even make sense. I had never felt glad about having a bathroom attached to my room. It was a simple incident. I wasn’t suffering from deadly disease or a terrible accident. I wasn’t bankrupt nor I had a lost my life savings. But it was terrible. I panicked and I thought I was going to die. I became so nostalgic, I was sad, deep and my eyes were all full of tears all day and after 9 hours 30 min I began to thank god for making me alive. I felt so much gratitude for life that I would go on hugging people in the streets if I could, if ever, get out of that prison. They say, “What happens, happens for good.” I assume after 9 hours & 58 minutes god sent his angel to unlock my door and that was my brother. The trip had been cancelled due to road problem. So, my family returned home after getting stuck. At the moment I saw my parents, I again burst into tears and hugged them and said, “Dad! I’ve found life.”